The last year and a half has been a tough one for me, in many ways, and although I am glad the divorce is finally over and we will remain friends, it was a very difficult thing to go through, especially while other relationships I was involved with were suffering. I have always heard that a "divorce is like a death" and that one needs to give it the proper respect and grievance time, and I don't feel I really did that, regardless of how important I think the final outcome was. In any case, it was a lesson learned and it's time to move forward without regret...so why am I happy then?
Well, in the last couple weeks I have started to reassess what's important in life-truly important-and started to think about how I can make better choices with respect to career, love, family and friends, and just become an overall better person. Sure, most of us would probably like to be "better people" but so many of you have responsibilities beyond what I do day to day with children and the associated events and large families and pets and so on on and so forth that's it's understandable that you may not do quite as much self-reflection as I do. Plus, there's a damn good chance you just might already be a better person than I, so...jackpot! ;) Anyway, sitting here, pantsless, at my computer in lovely Bigelow Commons, I have very few responsibilities other than drumming up a little business for my agency, watering my three half dead plants and taking a shower every day. This affords me a great deal of time to be introspective and set goals for myself and for the first time in awhile now, I am excited about the prospect of living my life to the fullest and doing whatever I can to enrich the lives of those that I care for, instead of just blindly and selfishly doing what pleases me or others that I simply just can't help.
I am happy that so many of my friends and family are living the lives they always wanted and seem to have some genuine peace. I'm happy that I listen to and discover new and brilliant music every day. I'm happy that so many of those I care for are healthy right now. I'm happy that, although I am recently divorced and have to do my own laundry now, that there's often a pretty hot Jamaican woman in my building that sometimes folds my stuff for me if I don't get it out of the dryer right away (ummm, never!). I'm happy that none of my ex's hate me, or at least lie to me that they don't. I'm happy that my brother is finally getting the happiness that he deserves, and that my dad is looking to be on his way as well. I'm happy that mom seems to be doing better than ever and that she's proud of her sons, especially my awesome brother Wesley who's the first full time college student in our family, and that her and I talk more than ever these days. I'm happy that when I wake up these days I move quicker to get up and going with the day than to roll over and try and ignore that it's started. I'm happy that I am writing again.
Anyone that knows me even mildly understands that I define the phrase "wears their heart on their sleeve" and I have never had a problem with that. I'm an emotional guy that feels everything, shares even more and loves with reckless abandon. Obviously that sets you up for a lot more heartbreak, and often ridicule, and that's OK; not everyone has to like me, and I can still be happy knowing that. However, I would like to be respected, and that's something I am going to need to work on, as not all the choices I have made in the last few years have been ones that would earn the respect of those that know and care for me. I can only learn from the mistakes I have made and move forward employing tactics that make me a better man and a avoid past blunders...and I'm going to work hard to do that.
I have heard that "40 is the new 30" and similar cutesy sayings, and maybe it's true. I feel healthier than I did at 30, I think I look a little better (certainly thinner!) and I have every boyish desire and mischievous thought I ever had back then...probably more so! So, I look forward to this next chapter in my life and the ten years towards 5o and hope that I learn, laugh, love and live better than I ever have in the past. I will certainly make every effort to enjoy all the moments I am blessed to have with friends and family, and hopefully I'll have some kids in my life, as I can't imagine living the rest of my life without some around. Whatever the case may be, I am looking forward with a smile on my face and more motivation than I have in quite a long time, and that can't be a bad thing. :)
(Shortly after this entry was posted David was seen eating a small bag of Famous Amos cookies, listening to unedited rap music and visiting several "college co-ed" themed web sites...not all old habits can be fixed immediately, apparently!)
