Compassion...forgiveness

During a recent political argument with an ex girlfriend she mentioned to me, "You're the most compassionate person I know...how come you're not a liberal??!!" I laughed and offered some of my standard ideological explanations that I won't rehash now, but her "compliment" was taken to heart and it made me think a little about where I am as a person and where I may be headed as a parent (hopefully) someday soon. It also became even more relevant when a past event was brought back into light through this wonderful universe of Facebook...

As some of you know, there's a certain individual from the glorious days of Suffield High that I was pretty close buddies with who, on a couple occasions, did some financially disrespectful things to me. They were not life threatening, they didn't result in anyone being framed for murder or losing a limb or suffering any lifelong mental anguish; they were just disappointing. It was particularly upsetting considering this former pal and I, at least I thought, shared a pretty close kinship in the sense that we were both a little off the beaten path comedically (no, it's NOT Hodge!), we shared some sports and musical interests and there was just a general solidity to the friendly bond we had. I had learned of some earlier nefarious acts committed on his part but they were rather minor and not committed against any of his close friends, so I was never concerned about being buddies with the guy. As a young kid I did some pretty crazy things, tossing Pumpkins and logs at Mailboxes (Hey L.G, how are ya!) and spray painting odd things on people's barns and various other acts of juvenile mayhem, however I had never intentionally screwed over a friend. I suppose I was naive enough to think that because I lived my life that way, that those close to me would adhere to the same code...though sadly I was wrong.

So here it is many years later, everyone's older, starting families, growing more worldly and wise and I am certain many people, including this person, are not totally proud of everything they have ever done in their lives; I know I have made mistakes I wish I could go back and fix. In these specific instances though, a guy like me who has always agreed with "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me", finds it tough to just let it go and move forward, even if the situation is rectified/apologized for, etc. What certainty do I have that allowing this person back in, per se, will not result in another such indiscretion on their part; illicit or otherwise. I think the answer is that there can be no such certainty, and therein lies the dilemma.

Most that know me well have heard the stories of me transitioning from a very shy and quiet kid who was often picked on up through 7th grade, to a more outgoing and self-assured adolescent when I moved to Suffield. I certainly wasn't always the funniest or nicest or toughest kid, but I made a conscious decision to live my High School and later years as someone who made an effort to get along with everyone but who would also never back down from a fight if I was threatened or mistreated. As I got older and began various Martial Arts studies, I really tried to absorb the principles of these teachings, such as avoidance of conflict, not being an aggressor and even forgiveness. It's not always easy to do but I have managed to stay out of a lot of potential fights in the last 15 years because of these principles, and I try to apply them to non-physical conflict as well whenever I can.

Ok, so knowing that I wish to avoid conflict, physical or otherwise, what is the best path for dealing with this old "friend", twenty years later? Do I forgive and take the risk that forgiveness will lead me to place that only fosters deep anger should things unravel again? Do I have faith in the idea that people can and do change, and that everyone has a place inside them that longs to be good and decent and nurturing to those they know? As my ex had mentioned, I can be a very compassionate person. I give what I can to numerous charities, I offer my help to strangers whenever presented with the opportunity and I have a genuine love and affection for the potential of the human soul which I still feel, though often reluctantly, wants to be kind and honest. Do I extend this compassion and forgiveness to someone who's wronged me more than once, and put faith in what time and life lessons may have taught them, knowing I could be the beneficiary of another disappointment if nothing's changed?

These are hard questions to answer for most people, though some will always elect forgiveness and some will always seek vengeance. I don't like being an "all or nothing" kinda guy and I am at a place in life where seeking revenge for petty acts committed 20 years ago is not only useless and somewhat childish, but in many ways even pathetic. There was even a time many years ago when I did something I was not at all proud of and someone close to me chose to forgive me for that, though they had every right not to; that selfless and thoughtful act has made it hard for me to hold lifelong grudges against anyone.

I think what I need to do is what I would tell anyone I care for to do in the same situation. Something that's been said a million times in history and spells out a pretty decent plan for any similar scenario:

I will forgive, but I will never forget.