Doctrine if the Self Absorbed

Life at 40

So, here I am at 40 years old, ink not even dry on my divorce, no kids, barely working and without even my little doggie staring up at me while I write anymore. I'm in an apartment that, while furnished/decorated pretty nicely, often smells of rotten milk and has so many piles of junk mail and random pieces of paper on the counters that I couldn't find a Publishers Clearninghouse winner's check if my life depended on it. My bathroom is apparently home to the worlds largest and scariest spider (to many of my chick pals...I aint scared o' nothin except the Clown from "It"!), I have a laundry pile with a life of its own and a neighbor downstairs that often sounds like he's dead-lifting a couch while getting oral sex from a robot as he chews on beef jerky! So, let me ask you...why am I so happy right now??

The last year and a half has been a tough one for me, in many ways, and although I am glad the divorce is finally over and we will remain friends, it was a very difficult thing to go through, especially while other relationships I was involved with were suffering. I have always heard that a "divorce is like a death" and that one needs to give it the proper respect and grievance time, and I don't feel I really did that, regardless of how important I think the final outcome was. In any case, it was a lesson learned and it's time to move forward without regret...so why am I happy then?

Well, in the last couple weeks I have started to reassess what's important in life-truly important-and started to think about how I can make better choices with respect to career, love, family and friends, and just become an overall better person. Sure, most of us would probably like to be "better people" but so many of you have responsibilities beyond what I do day to day with children and the associated events and large families and pets and so on on and so forth that's it's understandable that you may not do quite as much self-reflection as I do. Plus, there's a damn good chance you just might already be a better person than I, so...jackpot! ;) Anyway, sitting here, pantsless, at my computer in lovely Bigelow Commons, I have very few responsibilities other than drumming up a little business for my agency, watering my three half dead plants and taking a shower every day. This affords me a great deal of time to be introspective and set goals for myself and for the first time in awhile now, I am excited about the prospect of living my life to the fullest and doing whatever I can to enrich the lives of those that I care for, instead of just blindly and selfishly doing what pleases me or others that I simply just can't help.

I am happy that so many of my friends and family are living the lives they always wanted and seem to have some genuine peace. I'm happy that I listen to and discover new and brilliant music every day. I'm happy that so many of those I care for are healthy right now. I'm happy that, although I am recently divorced and have to do my own laundry now, that there's often a pretty hot Jamaican woman in my building that sometimes folds my stuff for me if I don't get it out of the dryer right away (ummm, never!). I'm happy that none of my ex's hate me, or at least lie to me that they don't. I'm happy that my brother is finally getting the happiness that he deserves, and that my dad is looking to be on his way as well. I'm happy that mom seems to be doing better than ever and that she's proud of her sons, especially my awesome brother Wesley who's the first full time college student in our family, and that her and I talk more than ever these days. I'm happy that when I wake up these days I move quicker to get up and going with the day than to roll over and try and ignore that it's started. I'm happy that I am writing again.

Anyone that knows me even mildly understands that I define the phrase "wears their heart on their sleeve" and I have never had a problem with that. I'm an emotional guy that feels everything, shares even more and loves with reckless abandon. Obviously that sets you up for a lot more heartbreak, and often ridicule, and that's OK; not everyone has to like me, and I can still be happy knowing that. However, I would like to be respected, and that's something I am going to need to work on, as not all the choices I have made in the last few years have been ones that would earn the respect of those that know and care for me. I can only learn from the mistakes I have made and move forward employing tactics that make me a better man and a avoid past blunders...and I'm going to work hard to do that.

I have heard that "40 is the new 30" and similar cutesy sayings, and maybe it's true. I feel healthier than I did at 30, I think I look a little better (certainly thinner!) and I have every boyish desire and mischievous thought I ever had back then...probably more so! So, I look forward to this next chapter in my life and the ten years towards 5o and hope that I learn, laugh, love and live better than I ever have in the past. I will certainly make every effort to enjoy all the moments I am blessed to have with friends and family, and hopefully I'll have some kids in my life, as I can't imagine living the rest of my life without some around. Whatever the case may be, I am looking forward with a smile on my face and more motivation than I have in quite a long time, and that can't be a bad thing. :)

(Shortly after this entry was posted David was seen eating a small bag of Famous Amos cookies, listening to unedited rap music and visiting several "college co-ed" themed web sites...not all old habits can be fixed immediately, apparently!)

The Best Bluesman You've Never Heard

In most of my conversations about music (that aren't focused on Kings of Leon!) I tend to be discussing bands that a good percentage of the mainstream have at least heard of, some of which have received great critical and commercial success. Although I have many "indie" favorites and pride myself on being rather diverse and objective when it comes to musical taste, I am not afraid to admit I like some of the more popular and radio friendly acts either; it balances out my palate I guess you could say.

In 1991 I recall hearing an artist that had just signed on to a major label record deal and was getting a decent amount of radio airplay, only to find himself less than 10 years later playing tiny, smoke filled blues clubs to a room full of fifty people. At the time, I thought what I was hearing was just a great new southern and folk flavored rock and roller, but it turns out I was listening to a legend in the making...a legend few people have ever heard. No, no I am not talking about Jeff Buckley, although he was certainly a massive talent and an artist that makes me want to cry every time I hear him play, especially knowing I never got to see him live. Jeff lost his life in a brief moment fueled with a bad decision, alcohol (reportedly) and the furious backwater channels of the Mississippi. Chris Whitley, however, died a much slower and deliberate death, but not without leaving as treasure chest of brilliant music behind.

When Chris Whitley hit the scene in 1991, he was riding a wave that included his "Kick the Stones" track being featured in Thelma and Louise. More specifically, the part where Brad Pitt has his way with Geena Davis, in one of his first big on screen parts. Whitley released his stellar debut, "Living With the Law" that same year and it was met with a great deal of critical acclaim and some steady radio play. The first single, "Big Sky Country" was in heavy rotation for awhile, and can still often be heard in everything from supermarket background music to pre-show tracks at various rock and roll shows. The album featured a beautiful blend of high energy, southern-flavored blues rockers to slow tempo, melancholy ballads. "I Forget You Everyday" and "Look What Love Has Done" are surely tunes that any good singer/songwriter, infected with the blues, would have loved to pen. "Poison Girl" and the aforementioned "Kick the Stones" are straightforward rockers that deliver on so many levels, especially vocally, as Chris really showed what great tone and range he had on this debut album. His magic, however, really was in his slower, bluegrassy, even folk-esque tunes like the title track "Living With the Law", which is to this day is in my top 10 songs of all time. Ever. Right along with the CD of the same name...

I was fortunate enough to see Chris Whitley 3 times. The first performance was in 1991 right after "Living With the Law" came out and was a performance that was packed and enthusiastic. I was awestruck with Chris's soulful guitar playing and unique voice, and immediately became a megafan. It was the later performances, after Whitley had released the fantastic CD's "Din of Ecstasy", "Terra Incognita" and the brilliantly simple "Dirt Floor" that really captured my soul, however. Chris had evolved from a talented and slightly off-beat mainstream rock performer to a haunting figure of a bluesman, with cigarette always in hand or mouth, and just belting out emotionally charged folky/bluegrass numbers that chilled to the bone. The show following the release of "Dirt Floor" in particular was really amazing as the CD was recorded with one mic in a barn up in VT, and although it sounded far less "produced" than earlier recordings, it was pure magic in terms of emotional and musical majesty. Hearing songs from the disk like "Wild Country", "Accordingly" and "Loco Girl" live were like being inside the album and experiencing the very heart of the song, just as it had been intended to be heard.

As years passed, Chris continued to release CD's on the the Independent label Messenger 9among others), and performed mainly a set of stripped down tracks from his collection of exceptional music, mostly with just him and his guitar...which was all that he needed. I sadly never made it back to a Chris Whitley show after the few I saw in the 90's, and was truly saddened when I learned he died of Lung Cancer in November of 2005. Chris was a longtime smoker, and also battled other addictions and demons, but it was the lungs, the very things that helped him bring forth such powerful and moving vocals, that finally gave out on him. In his far-too-short career, Chris was praised heavily by the likes of Bruce Springsteen, Don Henley, John Mayer, Dave Matthews and Keith Richards. Dave Matthews, according to a quote on Wikipedia, even went so far to say "I feel more passion for his music than I do for my own. I have a fervent, religious devotion to the magic that Chris Whitley makes". He was an enormous talent, without question and his devotion and perfection of his craft is sorely missed.

If you want to check out a great blend and variety of his music, take a listen to the song suggestions below (and I tagged some of you I thought mike like him) If you're a fan of the blues and great singer/songwriters, then Chris Whitley is sure to be a favorite, as he will certainly always be of mine.

"Living With the Law", "Big Sky Country", "Poison Girl", "Kick the Stones", "I Forget You Every Day", "Look What Love Has Done", "Dust Radio", "Wild Country", "Accordingly", "Loco Girl", "Narcotic Prayer", "Automatic", "Weightless", "Immortal Blues", "Alien", "Cool Wooden Crosses", "O God My Heart Is Ready" & "Hellhound On My Trail" (Cover).

Flight 1549 and "The Feeling"

The plane crash in the icy waters of the Hudson Thursday will continue to be a big story for quite some time, as it should be. The stellar captain, Chelsey Sullenberger III, will likely go down as a national hero for his quick and innovative thinking and saving the lives of all on board; if ever praise was deserved, this is the individual to lavish it on. Although the miraculous landing and eventual survival of all on board is the real story here, I think what this event has the power to do is far greater than simply make us all feel proud, if not a little warm and fuzzy. In fact, I think it has the power to help this entire country turn a much needed corner.

There's no question that the election of Barrack Obama has ignited a fire among a lot of Americans. There are inaugural parties scheduled all over the country, countless thousands of people will flock to the actual event and even in the downtrodden economy and icy grip that has it's hold on the US, many folks are just excited and even proud to see this guy take office next week. Myself, I am cautiously optimistic, as I am not a fan of any politician, which Obama has already shown himself to be at times. However, he does bring a certain "newness" to the office, and he has shown he's willing to work with members of both parties so I am going to give him my support and hope that he lives up to his promise, and also let's me keep most of what I earn for a living. The start of the Obama administration, however, will not be enough to pull the country out of the grips of recession and despair. Almost half the country voted for the "other guy", many people have lost their jobs or are in fear of losing it, a great deal of people no longer have their homes and some people just don't feel like being in a good mood in general, so how can we as a nation turn this thing around? I think the "Miracle on the Hudson" could be the real catalyst.

It doesn't matter who you voted for, or what your political ideologies are or if you believe in God or if you hold secular views of the world. It matters not if you lost your job last week or found out your rent check bounced or if your child kept you up all night crying. The day could be filled with frigid temperatures and too-long drive-thru lines and slow moving bank tellers, but if you were one of the survivors of that US Air flight, you are now someone who truly understands the concept of "Life is Short". There are so many times in each of our days where we really feel like things are going horribly and that our minute problem or dilemma is all-encompassing and worthy of anger, frustration and contempt. Then, when you come to witness the very definition of an honest catastrophe, things are immediately put into perspective. The problem is that too often that perspective is lost with the onset of the next personal trauma. As human beings we're programmed to get a little selfish from time to time, and pain that is our own, whether mental or physical, minor or intense, can be overwhelming and hard to subvert. However, this "miracle" on the river in NYC should not only be a constant reminder to keep those daily traumas at bay, but also a vehicle to help us move this entire country back into prosperity and enthusiasm.

The job losses and economic slowdown that's occurring in this country right now is daunting, and there's a long road ahead to get things back on track for certain. I don't pretend to be so naive to think that the witnessing of an inspirational landing of a plane by a brave pilot can turn things around overnight, but I do think it presents us all with a unique opportunity to change the way we live our lives in the face of adversity. It's never been a secret that "glass half full" people are more successful and live generally happier lives. It's also no secret that Wall St. often runs on the engine of perception more so than that of actual financial data. If we as citizens were to honestly take a look at the events of US Air flight 1549 and let ourselves be not only inspired and impressed, but also intoxicated by it's grandeur, I think there's a distinct possibility we could pull ourselves out from this nightmare rather than hope things improve on their own or in the hands of those who helped facilitate some of this in first place. The simple act of choosing to be positive is a great start. When we're positive we tend to want to be around others and share this emotion, and often this leads to gathering at a local pub or restaurant which is certainly beneficial to the economy as a whole. Positive people tend to work not only harder but better, and increased productivity has never been a bad thing for an economy. It's really that simple, a turnaround of any kind will never be advanced on the backs of a pessimistic society.

I haven't stopped thinking about this flight since I saw the first images of it on TV. I want to grab the pilot and bear hug him, and I'd love to do the same to the flight crew. It's a story that makes you want to cling to who and what you love most and cherish what's best about the human spirit. It's this amazing "feeling" that's hard to describe, though tangible to so many. If feelings like these, on a national level, mixed with enthusiasm for a new leader taking his place in history, can't fuel the engines of recovery and abundance then I don't think anything could ever hope to.

I truly hope the feeling endures...

Gran Torino

Clint Eastwood has become my favorite director, a place long held by Michael Mann. Sure, there are others I worship like Terrence Malick, Woody Allen and Scorcese, but up until recently Michael Mann was the dude for me. With Clint's latest effort, "Gran Torino", however, the 78 year old Icon has moved into the top spot for certain.

First off, let me just say that Gran Torino is NOT a perfect movie. It's peppered with a little too much "explanation dialogue" which can be an annoying cinematic device, it uses a few too many cliched lines in terms of the main character's (Clint) interaction with others and it's not the most powerful script I have ever seen laid out on screen. However, the sum total of it's parts is simply stunning, in a very understated way.

The basic plot of the film revolves around Clint Eastwood's "Walt Kowalsky", a recently widowed, racist Korean war vet that is a stubborn old codger with no use for political correctness, tact or basic compassion. He's living in the midst of a heavily populated "Hmong" neighborhood in Michigan and has no reservations about letting those folks know how he feels about them. Although the film moves in a fairly formulaic fashion at times and Eastwood blends parts of past characters like Dirty Harry and Josey Wales, it never feels recycled or stale. The story moves through some believable and traumatic occurrences smoothly and engagingly. For me, the film didn't succeed so well, however, based solely on the story alone, it was something simpler than that.

What makes Gran Torino so intriguing and beautiful to watch is the building relationship between Hank's neighbor "Thao", as well as his sister, especially in scenes where Eastwood is more rigid and confrontational. There's a humor that permeates the film throughout which could only be accomplished by Eastwoods demeanor AND the reactions, or lack thereof, of these Asian actors. I have heard some bemoan the "weak acting" by the kid who played Thao, and while he may not be DeNiro, I think his subtlety and lack of acting chops made him more engaging and fun to watch; if they had put a heavy hitting, known actor in that part in might not have worked so beautifully. The other aspect of Gran Torino that's so rewarding, entwined within the great humor, is it's honesty.

People in America, and undoubtedly other parts of the world, are so befuddled, perplexed and frightened by things they feel are "racist" that no one knows what to feel, think, say or act like in situations where there are mixed races anymore. One would hope that the nature of words spoken and language used would always be sensitive to historical and social mores, but in many ways it's gotten out of control. When I was growing up I had a number of pals that were of varying races and colors who had little reservation about "busting balls" with one another without ever being offensive. We called each other various "racial slurs" and odd versions of those slurs, among other things, all the while with a smile on on our face because we knew it was harmless and not meant to offend or damage. Gran Torino is saturated with this same kind of banter, (though fairly one-sided) and while some would call it alarming, shocking or offensive at times, and often it is, by the end of the film you'll likely come away from it with the same conclusion many have: Embracing one's differences, even joking about them, is a far better reality than avoiding them altogether, as at least you're interacting. Nothing breeds fear and contempt of the unknown more than the idle mind left to faulty influence.

Of course it's no shocker that Hank tones it down at the end and refrains from as many "chink" references as he did earlier in the film, as no Hollywood film is going to end with a guy like him not changing his ways at least somewhat. Yet, what's magical about this film is that in most of Hank's racist rants among his buddies or the Hmong neighbors, there's a sense of inclusion in it that's what leads him to open his mind and heart to these people he feared and loathed so long.

The story also follows Hank's resistance to confessing and repenting for his sins of years past, and deals with that in a way I found very satisfying, though some did not. Without spoiling the ending let me just say that Gran Torino is classic Eastwood tough guy film in many ways, but with the textured beauty of Mystic River and Million Dollar Baby, two of his other great directing jobs from this wonderful run in is 70's. It's funny and touching and dramatic and frightening all while being simplistic and rewarding. If I was to pick it apart scene by scene I could knock it here and there for this and that, but the film comes together as a whole brilliantly and will make you want to see it again. The actors that played Thao and his sister "Sue" were shining examples of what good character actors can do when just left alone to be natural and un-coached; they felt very real. The film is a fantastic piece of work from one of the great living legends in Hollywood, and although it may not win the Oscar, it certainly deserves to be in it's company.

Go see Gran Torino...and take a friend.

The Wackness

I rented and watched "The Wackness" yesterday and it was better than I expected it to be. I had heard it was about a drug dealing High School kid who befriends a loony shrink that buys weed from him, and that's a decent enough summary of the film I suppose but what the movie is really about at it's core is the magnitude and ambiguity of one's first love.

As a kid, I was certain I was "in love" with my first crush, Leslie Hill, in Ellington CT at the age of 9. I went so far as to compose a letter to her, at my father's insisting (you gotta just go for it man!), and suffered the inevitable humiliation of her ignoring me like a red-afroed leper in the halls shortly after that. The next one I recall being infatuated with was Vicki Green around the time of sixth grade, who's decision to dance with me at a school event led me to believe she was in fact madly in love with me, when in actuality she just "wanted to be friends". I was crushed of course, but rebounded quickly and soon went on to have my first real girlfriend, a sweet girl from my Grandmother's church named Erin. Those couple years Erin and I "dated"-neither one of us having money, a car, any real motivation other than to make out and fondle each other every chance we got-were some of the most intense, horrifying, pleasurable, scary, and magical days of my life. The constant uncertainty of when and if we'd be able to continue seeing each other, the battles with parents, the lies, the games, the petty jealousy and the lust...it was all so overwhelming yet so utterly gratifying. I remember when it was finally over, after having moved farther away and starting a new school, that I was certain I'd never feel the same way about another girl in my life, and I was right...for about 3 days.

The Wackness deals more with the later part of adolescence, but in terms of the main character portrayed it's apparent that it's definitely his first love, and it does a great job of expressing the complex and seesawing emotions that go along with discovering that person. There's a part of you that becomes so consumed and infatuated with them that you feel like you'll literally die if you can't see them even hours after you just left their side. This longing blends with a constant fear that they'll decide you're not really all that great and be dating some other schmo the next day-it's really amazing that anyone even survives their teens.

In the film, the male character "Shapiro" discovers his first love, and without ruining the movie for you, experiences much of what I have described above, but does so while being involved in a number of other personal dramas, as much of us likely were when we fell in love for the first time as an adolescent. It does an excellent job of showing the complexities of relationships as we get older, all the while remaining hopeful. The movie ends on a good note, or at least an inspiring one, and speaks a lot to the idea that being in love, even as a teenager, is so vital to what comes later in life. As many times as I had my heart broken way back then, and did the same to others a few times unfortunately, I wouldn't change it for anything. There's an intricate and requisite part of one's soul and character that can only be formed by having been in love in those early years, and it only solidifies once the pain of losing that love has been thoroughly felt.

The Wackness isn't a perfect movie but it's thoughtful and honest and not sugary sweet, and it will likely rekindle emotions from many years ago, which is usually a good thing. It's also not a "chick flick", but I defy anyone to watch it and not feel a connection to it's characters and message.

Facebook, Smalltalk and Eye Stalkers

I had a discussion with a friend at dinner the other night about Facebook, a common topic of late. He and his wife have been rather resistant to signing on-they both work some pretty busy schedules-and I of course tried to give them every reason why they should, etc., etc. However, my buddy and his wife explained to me that it wasn't so much their busy schedule that prevented them from joining Facebook, but instead the fact that they just preferred to not have to speak with a lot more people than they already do day to day. Hey, I can totally understand that and I understand what they're saying, but I think they fail to realize the true beauty of Facebook and some of its fringe benefits. Let me explain...

First of all, as much as I am an outgoing, social guy, I generally HATE small talk. I hate it worse than I hate having to deal with Hodge's boring, often repetitive wall postings, but sometimes it's just a part of life. You're standing in line at Motor Vehicles or the Deli or the bank and you see that guy looking at you, you just know he wants to say something to you that's about as f**king relevant as what color underwear J Lo is wearing today (well, OK that could be mildly relevant). You try to avoid his stare but you accidentally lock eyes with him and it's "Hey, so you think this line could get any longer?". Now you're screwed, unless you want to pull the all time dick move of just totally ignoring him. I never do, though I wish I had the sack for it, "Yeah, pretty busy in here today," I reply. This usually sets off a chain reaction of mindless, pathetic and useless conversation that serves no purpose other than to keep the person who started it from feeling "left out" of life I suppose, and I guess that's why I always oblige, as much as I hate it.

Well, in the Facebook world, the wonderful thing is that first of all most of our "friends" are people that know each other at least a little bit. Sure there are those chicks that you friended at 3:00 am after searching "hot chick in Brazil" and somehow magically she said yes, but for the most part these are people you might actually want to speak to from time to time. However, even those you don't know very well are people that if you saw them in a bar/mall you'd probably be OK having a conversation with. So, here in the land of Facebook what you can do is have a combination of real and genuine conversations, and some that are just those same kinda mindless quick little anecdotal ones, but with people who generally aren't also possible serial killers!

Seriously though, my point is that what a utility like Facbook helps facilitate is staying connected. All too often we forget that just because we're busy with work, kids, jobs, hobbies, medical issues, money, sex(or lack of...sorry Jason!) or whatever, that almost everyone else out there is dealing with the same stuff day to day; we all have the same 24 hours in a day as the next person. As much as a little comment on someone's Status of "Hey, me too!" or "That's so funny" is not real dialogue or anything that will likely result in a deep discussion about Dada-ism or the Crusades, it's a sign that someone is paying attention and willing to be connected to you. Is it smalltalk? Of course, but it's absent of the oddness and unfamiliarity that so often goes hand in hand with the in-person variety, even when it's with someone you don't know very well. Do I really think that Mike Kreps cares what I am doing at every minute or that I think a particular tune is cool, etc? Probably not, though he seems like a great guy and will occasionally chime in on something I have to say. Does Neil Andrews want to come down to Glastonbury and drink Patron shots next weekend and talk about the Insurance industry? Very unlikely, but he still makes comments, as do I, on various shenanigans, and I like that. Will Debbie Quinn start weeping uncontrollably if I tell her I got my "stuff" caught in my zipper again the other day? No, though she should as it really f**king hurt! OK, so most people are going to laugh at this anyway, but what I am saying is that Facebook has created this intriguing second family of sorts that let's you stay connected to and in touch with, even on a superficial level at times, a great deal of people you wouldn't likely be communicating with. I find that fascinating and pretty enjoyable at times.

So, as for the "fringe benefits" of Facebook. Well, as much as I have focused this post on the casual small talk variety of conversation that goes on here, I really feel like it's also helped foster some decent friendships that either never existed or had fizzled for whatever reason. I know that people's children and families will always be, and should, the number one priority in their lives but I can't help think that a place like Facebook has helped a number of people, including myself, feel like there are more people out there in the world that feel like they matter and have friends that care about how they're doing and how they feel, etc. As much as I constantly hear the argument that Facebook/Texting/Email is causing a great disconnect among society I have to say I feel like it's actually the opposite. If I had not signed on to this site I would still have a decent amount of friends and I'd still be a nutjob, but I wouldn't have the same feeling of satisfaction as I do from having this "second family" around me at all times...even if half of them think I should be locked up!

As for my friend and his wife, well, they likely still wont sign on and that's OK. Facebook is not for everyone and not everyone wants to be connected. As much as I hate inane smalltalk I can't deny that the variety that exists on here is entertaining and strangely addicting. If that results in all of us never leaving our houses in 20 years then I guess this Social Networking thing will have failed but I honestly don't see that. I see a future where people will get back to wanting to meet new people and actually caring about what they might have to say, no matter how irrelevant or boring it may be. Hopefully it extends to the real world as well, and I have a feeling it might, and vice versa. Hell, maybe the guy at Panera who "eye stalked" me the other day until I nodded and he proceeded to tell me about his love of Bagels will have 50,000 friends on here by 2021! In the meantime, I am enjoying my 174.